Some of you might remember that title given to a song years ago, made popular by Tina Turner. This month we celebrate Valentine’s Day, and I cannot get that old tune out of my head… along with the desire to eat those delicious Russell Stover chocolates on the counter that await me.
Lately, I have been coaching several pre-marital couples, a few months before they say, “I do” or “I will,” or whatever the current language of vows is. I’ve been a relationship and marriage coach for more than a decade now but am reminded that I am no expert when it comes to love.
The Ultimate Love Letter
Gratefully, I am the recipient of a wonderful love letter given to me over 40 years ago when I opened my first bible. You see, no one could pen the voice of love better than Christ himself, and he used a single guy (Paul) to give us a detailed description of what love should look like in the book of First Corinthians. These words are popular now with some millennials preparing for marriage, but I wonder how many of them actually dissect the words in this passage:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7)
So… the bar is high for me and for you. We need to ask these questions:
- Am I patient?
- Am I kind?
- Am I envious?
- Do I get jealous?
- Am I rude?
- Angry? Hold grudges? Seek revenge?
- Forgive freely?
These are the questions I ask myself in my own relationships and marriage, and the questions I ask my clients before they take the marriage plunge.
The Challenge in Modern Relationships
Sadly, I fear some couples today are more interested in seeking immediate pleasure, and in being served rather than serving and protecting their mates. Listening well and engaging in good old conversation has been replaced on dinner and movie dates with couples who are engaged with their cell phones. Just look around in a restaurant or movie theatre the next time you are out!
Don’t get me wrong. I love a delicious, romantic dinner, beautiful flowers and occasional candy, but I would gladly trade them any day for some patience, some trust, some protection, and some selfless love. Those will certainly last longer and THAT is what love’s got to do with it!
Tools for Healthy Communication
At Abundant Living, one of the couples’ coaching assessments I use is called the Emotional Needs quiz (Willard Harley, www.marriagebuilders.com) This is based in a popular book called His Needs, Her Needs, and helps couples explore what their top emotional needs are, so that in turn, they can share those with their partner and each can work at making “deposits” in an imaginary “love bank.” Of course, all of us would rather have a full bank account than one that only reflects withdrawals.
Common Communication Tools
As you may or may not know, communication is the #1 issue and problem in relationships, including marriage. Fortunately, when we have some effective tools to use when we argue or confront, we stand a much better chance at showing care and compassion toward our partner. What are some of those tools? In coaching, we use:
- Using “I” Statements: Reduces defensiveness (e.g., “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always…”)
- The Sandwich Method: Compliment → Constructive Comment → Compliment
- Code Words: A fun way to pause heated arguments (e.g., “Strawberry!”)
Conflict Isn’t the Enemy
Biblically speaking, even Jesus used confrontation when needed. However, he did it in a loving but firm manner. He asked pointed questions which kept to the point. He challenged the Pharisees when they passed judgment. He protected the temple when he felt it became a market for profit. We, too, can follow some basic rules for confrontation, and instead of winning, we work toward healing, because healing and restoration are the goal.
Speaking of goals, when a couple comes into Abundant Living for either pre-marital or reparative coaching, the first thing I ask is what goals they have. We work together on looking at where they want to be in their relationship in 1, 3, or 6 months. We break those goals down into SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-targeted), and then we begin the process. Of course, any experienced coach will tell you, you will reach your goals if and when you do the Heart Work (I like this term better than homework).
Premarital Coaching with SYMBIS
When meeting with pre-marital couples, we offer a 7-session program.
The first is introductory with goal setting and the remaining six are focused on using the SYMBIS (Save Your Marriage Before It Starts) assessment, done online. The assessment is an excellent tool for identifying:
- Emotional well-being
- Relationship dynamics
- Family background and social support
- Finances
- Romance and sexuality
- Spirituality
While a couple may be wired very differently from one another, I have never seen one that could not work through it, graduate, and go on to get married.
Coaching Married Couples
When working with couples that have been married for a number of years and are struggling in one or more areas, we also set specific goals and look at useful assessments.
There may be attachment injuries, trauma, infidelity, grief, or other factors that have brought them to the counseling room. The good news is that most are willing and able to work toward trust and reconciliation, healing, and avoid the “D” word. Now, THAT is worth celebrating!
Ready to Invest in Your Relationship?
If you, or a couple you know, are planning to get married or need healing in your marriage, please call and schedule an appointment for coaching or relationship counseling. We will come alongside you, pray with you if you like, and make sure that love has everything to do with it.
