Recently, I spent a few days in North Carolina at my niece’s wedding. Granted, it was a small event, with less than 50 attendees, and was held in a small, historical courthouse. My niece is a Type D gal, not one to plan ahead or fuss over much, so my sister had a total of two months to pull all the details together.
On the beautiful morning of the wedding, I volunteered to help make sandwiches for the bridesmaids, and non-alcoholic mint juleps (Not an easy task. Thanks, Google, for not delivering!) The actual ceremony was joy-filled and funny at times, due to the groom’s father officiating. He looked a bit like Mr. Miyagi of “The Karate Kid,” and he obtained his minister’s license online the week before. Within a half hour, the bride and groom were officially Mr. and Mrs., and everyone could relax a bit. I pondered how vastly different that experience was compared my own two daughters’ weddings. Truthfully, having a professional wedding planner for those two weddings would have served us well. Both daughters are smart planners, but I felt twinges of anxiety as I saw the lightning strike the church grounds during the first ceremony, and a church and reception hall full of two hundred people during a Covid year for the second one.
Whew! Glad those days are over.
Some weddings have become so extravagant that the brides feel pressure to buy gifts just to ask someone to be in their bridal party, or to provide decorations that match their perfect Pinterest photos.
This creates undue pressure, and most certainly adds dollars to the proposed budget. Did I mention we had no budget at all? Now, granted, when I married 37 years ago, our wedding budget tapped out at $5,000. Seriously. Hence the shock when we paid the final bills of both daughter’s weddings. Thankfully, my husband and I are frugal – “savers” versus “spenders,” and have always been a fan setting budgets. We even signed up for a financial course at our church called Financial Peace University – only to fail it two times! We have finally graduated now and even make a date night of reviewing our budget, which is always an encouragement I give to pre-marital couples when they are still naïve about what awaits them after the honeymoon. We work through the topic of finances as well as:
- Communication
- Parenting
- Family support
- Domestic support
- Romance
- Spirituality
It is often said that newlyweds are in the “honeymoon phase” during their first year or two of marriage.
According to many relationship websites, including SYMBIS (Save Your Marriage Before It Starts), there are five solid stages of marriage:
- Romance – Reaching out to fulfill their deepest needs for intimacy, these couples experience a kind of mystical union and celebrate the ecstasy of bliss and belonging.
- Power Struggle – This stage is full of tension and begins when differences and idiosyncrasies emerge. Two independent people form a way of life together, develop power struggles and learn to adjust to each other’s ways. The intensity varies among couples, but almost every couple engages in this struggle. To get through this stage successfully each partner must say, “Okay. I am willing to admit that my romance with a perfect partner is an illusion. However, I am still fascinated with the mystery of who you are and am willing to pursue romance with you and journey together toward mature love.”
- Cooperation – This stage is like a breath of fresh air if you’ve stayed the course. A sense of acceptance and willingness to change enters the relationship. Couples in this stage realize that love is not so much about looking outward at each other as it is about looking inward at themselves, taking responsibility for their own personal problems. Couples relinquish the illusion that their spouse needs to make them happy, and they redefine love by coming to grips with fears, projections, and hurts.
- Mutuality – As love grows, couples enter this stage almost unexpectedly and mutuality becomes the fundamental way of being together. It’s a stage of feeling “at one with each other,” a secure sense of belonging. Just when couples are wondering if they would ever escape old, unhealthy patterns, they discover a new reality – and are surprised by the joy of mutual intimacy.
- Co-creativity – In this stage, the intimacy each couple yearns for is an experienced reality. As partners become older, retire, and face the end of life together, they develop a more pronounced energy of co-creativity. Love overflows. Secure in themselves and in their love, couples have an abundant flow of energy for action in the world at large. This is a profound and peaceful period and transcends all the previous stages to result in a stronger and deeper love than any other. Couples realize they are not just made for each other; they are also called to a ministry of love to everyone and everything. They develop a web of meaningful interrelationships that support the marriage and deepen its joys. In this final stage, partners say, “We have put a lot of miles on this marriage. It has been exasperating, elating, horrible, wonderful, shackling, and freeing. It has been our single most intimate source of conflict and joy.”
My husband and I have been married for over 37 years, so we are in the “Co-creativity” stage, and we can only surmise that God had his hand on us, despite our selfishness, and sometimes, bad choices, or we never would have made it this far.
That said, as a marriage coach, I see a lot of marriages caught up in cycles of power struggles or selfishness. Thankfully, God gives us the power to break hurtful and sinful cycles of behavior, no matter how impossible that might seem. My joy is in giving couples the tools to do this!
Speaking of God, the Bible makes a wonderful analogy about weddings, brides, and bridegrooms.
The Parable of the Wedding Banquet can be found in Matthew 22:1-14 and Luke 14:12- 24, which illustrates God’s kingdom as a feast, with an initial invitation extended to those who are not worthy, and others who are invited to fill the empty spaces. In this parable, the “king” is God, the king’s son is Jesus, and the original invited guests are the Jews, and new guests are the Gentiles and others who feel “unworthy.”
Scripture frequently uses the imagery of a bride and bridegroom, mostly in the New Testament, to symbolize the relationship between Jesus and his Church. Themes often used are love, commitment, and a glorious union one day.
Marriage is not only a covenant between a husband and wife; it is a partnership. However, because each one is so uniquely different, conflicts can and do arise. Differences in families of origin are a cause for concern. Opinions about how to raise children (or to have children at all) differ. Communication often fails. In my 10 years of coaching couples, it is evident that communication is the #1 issue that husbands and wives come us for help.
It’s vitally important for spouses to be or become very, very intentional about communicating with their spouse. They must listen actively and reflectively. They must fight fairly. They must sacrifice. Oh, how I wish I had learned this way before my wedding day!
Additionally, finances are always a big issue with couples seeking counseling or coaching. They do not know how to set up a budget or don’t have the discipline to do. Many, like me, just jumped into marriage thinking, “If it looks good, I’ll buy it!” However, after many years together, my husband and I realized paying off debt first was key. Next, putting aside some for savings, especially the unexpected emergency kind, which will surely come up. It was hard to stay ahead or in the “positive” at times. Even with two salaries, my husband and I had to make some sacrifices. No Starbucks coffee. No fast food for lunch every day. Limited date nights in restaurants. Less travel. It might seem silly, but it speaks to the daily, small ways we often sacrifice as husbands and wives for the sake of a shared goal.
Goals are what coaching is all about.
Whether it is a goal for the relationship or marriage, or an individual goal– a life coach is the key to helping you:
- Identify what your goal(s) are.
- Give you tools to achieve your goal (s)
- Come alongside you with accountability.
- Celebrate your successes.
As long as you and I are alive on this planet, there will always be relationships. And weddings. If you are trying to navigate any one of those major life events, and the emotions that surround them, reach out to us. We offer both pre-marital coaching/counseling and restorative coaching/counseling. Remember, you do not haveto do it alone. God is all for marriage and we are here to support you all the way!
