I was sitting on Turtle Beach, in Siesta Key, Florida, on a beautiful summer day.
He caught my attention, the teenage boy who grabbed his surfboard and ran out to the gulf waters, carefree and young. As I watched him, I thought he was identical to my long lost first love. I flashed back to 1976. That summer, we talked about our newfound love, about going to college, about our together, and about our future. Although almost 40 years had passed, I wondered how his parents were, how his siblings had grown, and then, suddenly, I remembered. Since I’d reconnected with his younger sister on social media, she had mentioned his parents had retired in Sarasota. Perhaps that is why I was drawn to the young surfer on the beach.
It’s amazing how grief can rear its ugly head, or at least revisit you, once you’ve completed the so-called “stages” and moved on. This freeze frame moment was a reminder that grief is not just an event, but a process – a journey – that none of us escapes in this life.
At that moment, I relived the excruciating pain I felt, as a 14-year-old, when my 16-year-old boyfriend was killed instantly in a motorcycle accident. I recalled the phone call I took from my older sister’s boyfriend, who gave me the daunting news. I recalled my falling to the ground, fainting. I recalled my parents’ support of allowing me to fly solo from Atlanta to Chicago for his funeral. I didn’t have the maturity or the skills to deal with the shock or denial of the loss. In fact, that loss caused me to put up emotional walls out of fear of growing too close to someone and the risk of losing them. Perhaps you have experienced a loss like mine.
People react to and behave in different ways during the journey of grief.
For me, I tried to “white knuckle” my way out of it. I put up a good front but never allowed myself to practice mindfulness, or meditation or prayer. I didn’t reach out for help with a counselor until many, many years later. Four years after the first love loss, a good friend in high school died, falling asleep at the wheel after a party. Ten years later, my father who was at the top of his military career, collapsed and was diagnosed with a brain tumor, dying five months later. That same year, my husband left the marriage after 18 months, and later committed suicide. Too much for a 25-year-old woman to deal with. Yet, every one of us must face some form of grief in our brief time on this planet. How about you? What has grief looked like for you?
Undoubtedly, the worst imaginable form of grief is the loss of a child. Like the parents of my first love and my first husband, thousands of parents in the U.S. face the loss of a child each year. Or we grieve the passing of a parent. As one who’s lost both parents at a relatively young age, the pain is still fresh in my mind, as I remember sharing the last moments with both, though 25 years apart. Then there are the unrealized or ungrieved losses. An estranged friend. A prodigal child. A job downsizing or loss. A geographic move. Retirement. The list is endless, but sometimes we don’t allow ourselves the time or tools to manage our loss.
As a board-certified life coach, I meet with clients about all kinds of life issues, and inevitably, some of their core issues boil down to some type of loss/grief, or sense of abandonment. Grief can also be in the form of a shattered dream. Not too long after the wedding day, some have faced a failed marriage or divorce, a sick child or eating disorder, or a job termination. Perhaps that is you, though you never saw it coming.
No one ever plans to get a divorce, but the reality is that the divorce rate for first marriages is 40-50% and for second marriages it is 60%. Children grieve the loss of that relationship as much or more than their parents. A recent study, noted by the National Eating Disorders Association, estimates that approximately half a million teens struggle with an eating disorder. Young elementary and middle school girls are bombarded with media images about dieting and parents are faced with inpatient programs or worse. Most of the time, parents do not recognize the disorder until it is well out of control.
While each of us must face one form of grief or another in our lifetime, I have some good news! Grief can actually be good (good grief?) or at least normal. Working through that grief can help us grow, mature, and even help others who are navigating their losses. I call it “purpose in the pain.” Looking on the other side of those losses, twenty something years later, I have had the privilege of helping others “get out of the casket” and take the next steps toward acceptance. I enjoy coming alongside my clients as they grow and heal, just as I have.
If you, or someone you know, is struggling with a loss and need some grief counseling or guidance, we would love to sit with you and help you move toward better emotional health. Don’t wait years like I did. Reach out today and begin the healing journey. You can contact us at 706-237-7577 or go to our contact page to request an appointment. We are here to walk with you through it all.
Melissa Jansen, BCLC
*Melissa is a board-certified life coach, specializing in relationships, grief, and life-purpose
coaching, and has practiced for ten years.
